Mother of the Year

This morning I did not win any awards.

By the time we were in the car to go to preschool my son and I had each cried two times - for separate reasons, so four episodes if you're counting.

As we walked up the path towards school I realized that I had forgotten to pack shoes for my son. I then attempted to stop my failure tears before my son noticed and started his own.

In an effort to protect him from embarrassment, I told him that I would quickly get him shoes and bring them back to school.

As I drove towards the store I was quickly trying to make decisions,
--should I go to store A or store B?
--should I buy more than one size? What if the ones I buy are to big/small?
--should I try to fly home instead (we live 15 mins, one way, from school)?
--why am I spending non-budgeted money on shoes when he has 4 other pairs at home?

So, for my stupidity in forgetting the shoes, in an effort to protect my son from potential humiliation, and to attempt to do what seemed best, I drove to store A, bought one pair of shoes and ran back to school.

"These shoes are awesome Mom!"

Oh hallelujah! Crisis averted. Hug child, apologize for screwing up and send him back to class.

"MOOOMM! These are too big, they're too loose" Start tears...by both of us.

After trying to explain that he would just have to wear them for the next two hours and then he could take them off, there wasn't much more I could do. I sent him to his classroom and walked away.

I made it to the car before I broke down.

I know...they are just shoes, this is really not a big deal. But this was just the outlet for the tears and failure that had been building.

In an attempt to get life back to normal after the holidays I have put my house, cleaning, personal goals and agenda before my kids. It has been reflected in my attitude, my words and my actions (or lack their of) with my children.

I have been letting them down, and today was the breaking point.

I could go on, but I'm not really sure where I'm going from here. I know where I need to be, but struggle in getting there.

Tomorrow is a new day, and for now, I will start with that.